Did You Catch That?

I’ve always been that person who reads between the lines. ‘Gets’ the nuance of a message when it’s not implied yet clearly noted. I can hear the words not always the tone unless the person can express themselves well on the page.

All this to say, recently a couple of my friends had shown me email messages asking for my feedback as they seemed either odd, or confusing — and I found myself saying, “Did you catch that?”

Passive aggressive threats with a side tone of, “but we really appreciate you, or we’re happy to proceed.”

As an example of this, one friend sent an email to their employer asking for an increase in wages. The email was positioned in a way where a follow-up for further conversation would be appreciated.

It was a completely fair request given that my friend was within the timeline to request such an increase, and it had been expressed that they had exceeded expectations as being one of their best employees.

The email reply from the employer took, what seemed to be a standard company-centric approach. Rather than focus on the employee and the contributions made — apart from acknowledging that the employee had done great work, the reply weighed heavily on, and I quote; you’re lucky that you have a stable job working 5 days a week 52 weeks a year. And when we’re ready to offer increases, it’ll be company wide. Wow, if that doesn’t read as if you’re doing time, I don’t know what is — oh, and followed by,  If you’re not pleased with that, you’re welcome to look for other employment.

Once again they acknowledge that my friend was doing great work but didn’t agree to an increase — by the way, we’re talking a small increase — AND noted that when and if they do offer an increase, it’ll be company wide. Translation, you’re only as good as the weakest employee — zero incentive to work more diligently and excel at one’s occupation. Oh, and to add insult to injury, my friend felt diminished and unappreciated as it was implied that you’re easily replaceable and happy to show you the door.

In fact, the human resource person, the same person, after a company wide training session was quick to say to all, “if you’re not happy, you know where the door is.” This person appears to love walking people out. No wonder HR personnel get such a bad rap.

Needless to say my friend is now looking for new opportunities where they appreciate exceptional contributions and a stellar human. Any company would be incredibly lucky to have my friend as an employee.

Another example of people taking liberties of the positions they’re in, whether they realize it or not.

A friend needed to retain professional services. They were working out contract negotiations that took a long while to work through. Apart from the work done, the person retained seemed to feel compelled to take a defensive approach whenever my friend would ask questions. For whatever reason this particular person felt it necessary to send really long email replies defending the position taken on any given question asked — why can’t we do this or have you considered that? — Not to mention my friend was paying for all these long email replies. Each time, my friend would ask (beg) the person to kindly stop sending long replies. Never happened.

About 18 months into the process, where my friend could see a glimmer of light, once again a long email was delivered followed by yet another invoice — at my friend’s wits end replied by saying, Apart from feeling that you’re not working with me on this — you’ve offered no reassurance throughout this entire process. I’ve never been quite sure whose side you’re on — and you continue to send me ridiculously long emails to which I’m paying for.

Here’s the kicker, once again — the reply — after all the work and dollars spent and knowing that there was no way my friend was going to retain someone else — it was way too late for that, “If you’re not happy with my services you can always retain someone else.”

What a cop-out.

I know that life isn’t fair, but you don’t have to be a dick about it. And, it doesn’t mean that we should not be fair-minded human beings. We know, in most cases what is fair and kind — and in these two examples we’re shown that there needs to be a better way of communicating and understanding.

The challenge seems to be trying to rationalize human behavior and the idea that reasonable thought and consideration are side-lined when ego, yes ego in both these examples override — “How dare you ask for a raise. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to work for our company? or “The nerve of you questioning my ability to provide the services needed for this work.”

What happens is, we go happily merrily along with blinders on in the hope that no one catches how ridiculous we’re communicating and/or rationalizing.

Sure, we’re going to get a lot of no responses in our lives — but let’s do a little more thinking around why we’re saying no, how our response effects another, and are we saying no, or find someone else for the right reasons?

We seem to be shooting ourselves in the foot.