Believe
This was me a year ago. In a heavy-hearted unusual way of being, where I wasn’t quite sure how I was living with the feelings I was experiencing.
Admittedly, I was, and may still be, in need of finding the light again. It can always be brighter.
It was in fact, my intent to find the joy.
A year ago, I buried myself somewhere deep inside myself and it took my enthusiasm with it. It had become clear that I needed, despite everything that went against my thinking, the need to force out of myself an expression of gratitude. I was summing this up with the need to feel a deeper connection with others that shared my required need to live with optimism, because it was waning. For a while. A long while.
As humans, we’re survivors. So, when the pandemic came, I observed others responding and acting, very quickly, too quickly in fear and panic. It was in the not knowing or what should we be doing, that changed us overnight, where eventually — fear turned into panic, panic into anger, anger into distrust, distrust into hate, hate into sadness, sadness into depression and anxiety, then back to fear. It was as if we were on a continuum of desperate living. Living in those feelings were wide-spread, and world-wide. It was palpable.
Those trying to rise above and connect with love were, I’m sure out there, somewhere, I wanted so desperately to be one of them, and yet my desire was quelled by the constant noise of fear-based information — real or imagined. Eventually, I turned off the news so that I could regain my sanity and some sense of relief.
In fact, I can’t believe I’m STILL writing about this pandemic. It’s been more than 3 years. 3 YEARS! I’m clearly still shell-shocked.
And yet, of course there were wonderous acts of kindness and love shown during that time. Absolutely. I knew it was out there and around me, but for some reason it didn’t penetrate enough for me to feel, I guess, better. Whatever better meant. Less crappy.
As random as my thoughts are here as I try and express the feelings I had back then, my brain moves a million micro-seconds along trying to embrace a happier and warmer sense of being. Deciding that, that was then, this is now knowing that it’s not easy to forget and let go. I can. I will. Just not easy.
My preference was, and I did, to wrap my heart and brain around love, healing, happiness, and joy so that maybe, admittedly, it acted as a kind of shield to protect me against the overwhelming feelings I had back then during the epicentre of the pandemic. Ironic were my choice of words where I expressed in the same sentence my desire for love, healing, happiness, and joy with the need to shield. Clearly, I had conflicting experiences with my soul, and if I felt the need to shield, I knew I couldn’t truly release. I couldn’t release my flow of positive being — release, let go, and be. Just be.
Look. We changed. People changed. Of course, we all change as a natural way of being, and yet this was accelerated. It’s different. Much different. And although, yes, I (still) believe in people, I don’t believe we’re back to being ourselves before the pandemic. By self I mean, being nicer human beings. If we did, we’d pause more and take notice of others. We would perhaps appreciate more, and yet the hesitation is that we don’t ‘yet’ completely trust one another as much. It’s a feeling I have that we’re a little more wary. We embrace one another a little less in-person.
Until … we don’t. Until we, no I decide that I’m going to open my natural way of being, with a heart fully open where I’m blasting out from my very being my full-on love, compassion, forgiveness, faith in an energy source, trust, and full on, yes, full on gratitude. THIS is me. THIS is my go-to self. My ‘neutral face self’ when no one’s looking.
And then I made the decision. To let go, release, and trust.
What I find interesting, and what seems to rise to the surface every time like a floaty toy in the water, is my need to find hope. Give hope. Be hope. To find those that need lifting. Give those the ability to rise. Be lifted so I may rise — realizing that this is love. This is our inherent truth. Even during all the challenging times in our lives.
The answer is Us. Community. Trust. Love. And not in that order.
How’s THAT for coming full circle.