Let Me Know.

I’m reminded of the way we, some, many, probably most, feel compelled to reciprocate when we have helped, or offered something in a way that’s beneficial to another. Probably, in fact where it’s a necessary need for the reciprocator to announce back to the one giving, “Let me know how I can help you.” Which, in many cases is met with no further intent or action. And why should it? Yet, I see this kind of response often, hence my interest in wanting to write about it.

My optimistic self hopes that we give or help others because we want to. It’s a kind thing to do. It just feels good. So good. You know, helping without any further expectation. However, we’re human, and as humans there may be a little inkling, secret desire, or downright belief for that help to not go overlooked — some kind of anticipation for reciprocation.

Years ago, I read for a psychology course I was taking, “Influence, the Psychology of Persuasion” by Robert B. Cialdini where he talks about the power of reciprocation. The idea that it’s a rule, one rule for overpowering. He writes, “One of the reasons reciprocation can be used so effectively as a device for gaining another’s compliance is its power. The rule possesses awesome strength, often producing a yes response to a request that, except for an existing feeling of indebtedness, would have surely been refused.” He goes on to say that “We don’t like to feel that we owe other people. When people have these social obligations, they try to settle them.”

Despite this sounding manipulative and pre-meditated, it’s also human nature to feel it necessary to repay or reciprocate when given a gift, kind gesture, or favor. We almost feel obligated to do the same in return as a habitual reaction.

I could get more involved in this aspect of the thinking, and yet, we both know that we can learn a lot more on this from a psychologist, and/or by reading good books on this stuff. My point being, and my reason for positioning this, is to better understand why and how we, some, go about offering help to others.

Have you ever noticed, and I see this often on LinkedIn when connecting with others through private message the need to sometimes say, “Please let me know how I can help you.” The feeling of this statement suggests that it’s being said without any weight added to it. It feels insincere. Why? Because it now puts the onus on another. And that’s if we feel compelled to or want to share without consequence, what it is that we need help with. It feels like a trick question. In many cases we both know that that person may not really be interested in helping us. If they were, they would have perhaps positioned and/or suggested how they could help. They could dig a little deeper — no wait, they could just use a spoon. No real heavy lifting required if they took a little more interest. And really, secretly, we’d love for them to take a little more interest.

And that’s where the caring comes in.

It’s my feeling that if we’re prepared to offer help, then we should either suggest ways in which we can help because we’re interested in helping.

Why I’m writing about this is because, “Let me know how I can help you,” or even “How I can help you?” rather than suggesting a couple of ways we can help, matters. It’s the difference between saying we can do something, and yet not doing it. It’s also the difference between lifting someone’s spirit and hope by helping, or that person feeling a little more diminished with the false hope of that potential help.

Which reminds me — years ago, I worked with a woman who I was helping to expand her business. I was able to donate some time, as did others, until she felt she was in a position to hire the help she needed. Understandably, she felt it necessary to repeatedly say, “I want to ensure a win/win, so how can I help you?” We knew she appreciated our time — we felt that was thanks enough — glad to help! And although we may feel this question is a wonderfully open-ended one, in many cases, it may not translate into anything other than words.

Sure, if you don’t ask for help, you can’t expect help — however, as I reflect on this more, these empty words can make another feel even worse.

Whether we realize it or not, the idea that help is there, or the idea that someone offers, “Let me know how I can help,” or “How can I help?” without the intent to action, doesn’t mean anything, and it leaves in many cases the person feeling a little less worthy.

And, trust me — I’m not on my high horse, as I too am human and have fallen short by offering (throwing around) these very words; these questions, without taking heed or action — and no matter how compelled I am to want to utter them as a way of communicating, offering a nicety, I intentionally need to pause and remind myself — am I willing, able, and interested to take action to help?

I ask myself — If I’m prepared to ask the question — Do I have the capacity, bandwidth, availability, resources, maybe contacts to be able to help another.

I recognize the power of helping others. It’s a necessity. We all need help. And I am, always, incredibly grateful whenever I receive it.

My hope, always, is that in writing, offering an observation, and/or sharing my experiences, proves somewhat helpful to you.

Ah, you see, there’s that desire to help again!